You have an enemy & it's not your spouse

Marriage in a world that believes that divorce is always an option is hard. More specifically, in 2025, the divorce rate is 42% with 66% of divorces being initiated by women and 10% of divorces occurring before the age of 30 years old. Why are these numbers so high, and what is contributing to people seeing divorce as the only option? These high numbers have an impact on the general population (44% of women and 40% of men) choosing to never marry; in fact, over one-third of today's young adults are predicted to stay single (Anthonia). This brings me to think about my own marriage, considering the contributing factors that have impacted us over time.

When I was dating my now-spouse, Josh, I knew I wanted to be married to him because, naturally, that was the next step to take with someone I loved, and I had set a pressing timeline in my head to get engaged. Growing up, I didn't reference other marriages or daydream about my wedding since I was a child, because I didn't have anyone to compare it to. Therefore, when I became a fiancée, I began this role with what I knew how to do best- planning and organizing! My checklists began and never stopped the entire year we were engaged; vendors, budgets, DIY projects, coordinating, delegating roles among family members, and everything else that encompasses what a wedding would include.

A short time before Josh and I were engaged, we were giving it our best go at being better Christians in the ways that we were willing to let God be a part of our carefully thought-out plan. Outside of Sunday services, we decided attending a church course weekly would help familiarize us with digging into scripture among fellow believers, where we would also discuss prompted topics through a workbook. A few weeks into this course, we took a trip where Josh would propose, and we returned to share the big news among our family and friends. Following our recent engagement, we made a decision together to be baptized after the course ended at our church. Naturally, this was the next step to take, being that we were practicing being better Christians and would soon be spouses.

Between becoming engaged and being baptized, there is a now-noticeable trend of taking major life steps based on a pressing inner timeline. Isn't this what the world teaches us, though, "do what makes you happy" or "do what feels like the right next step"? Each of these roles was based on my expectations and human intuition of what each, as a wife and a Christian, would encompass.

Entering marriage was full of surprises and expectations that I was not prepared for. I was hopeful that my marriage, aside from others that I had witnessed, came with an automatic package of security, safety, and children- lots of children. What I didn't expect was for Josh to challenge the mold that I had set for my husband, or for myself to not be a perfect wife (who knew I needed to do more than cook and keep an immaculate home?), or for there to be challenges with pregnancy that would derail my emotional, mental, and physical health.

Quickly after tying the knot, we were hitting one wall after another and didn't have a single soul to run to with our problems. Isolation is a perfect platform for the enemy to attack and for mental health to go to the wayside. There was pressure to do it all the right way, to not become what we grew up with, and to somehow do it all alone. We stumbled through the first few years of marriage with no tools on how to manage or cope with our struggles individually or as a couple, little knowledge about how mental health was playing a role in our toxic patterns, and no idea that God was waiting for us to run to Him the whole time!

Of the top ten contributing factors to divorce today, at least five are directly related to mental health. Abuse, addiction, poor communication, lack of preparation, and weight gain are some of the issues mentioned (June, Karla St). How often are people considering divorce without drawing attention to these issues and tending to them for the sake of saving their marriage?

After our third child, and four years after being married, we finally looked at each other through lenses of pain and disappointment and decided maybe we didn't know it all. We took the first step to try to let His will be fulfilled rather than our own- and we prayed.

This is where we began experiencing many spiritual attacks, and it was only going to get harder the more we sought out God. Neither of us was willing to admit that our own behaviors and patterns were contributing to the problems, and we went to our default reactions to chaos most of the time. These were opening opportunities for gaps in communication, anger, and resentment, and the enemy was trying to convince us that nothing was going to change. What a scary place this is to be when you're doing it all alone.

One night after the kids were down and we were losing sight of what we were supposed to be doing, we cracked open a text about doing marriage God's way. Wow, were we doing it all wrong! We were missing the mark in every category based on what God truly wanted our marriage to look like and how each of us should be serving God and each other. He didn't design our unity to be hurtful; God designed marriage to fulfill His will through us.

I began to wonder what our marriage would look like if we chose to be better individual Christians to be able to better serve our marriage. I wondered how a marriage filled with God would affect our children and others around us. Working forward from how backward we had been doing things was not easy, and it is currently not easy, but it is becoming more of a natural way of living, which in turn is making life much easier!

One thing I needed to learn is that life will not play out like you think it will if you are basing your next step on timelines and expectations inside your mind. Once I began considering my husband as my teammate, looking up and allowing the Holy Spirit to prompt our next move, life spun out of control in the best way. But first, we did experience some of the lowest mental, emotional, and physical lows to date during this time. Taking a backseat to the vehicle of God's will rather than being the driver was hard, and we could not have done it alone.

We sought out reliable spiritual counsel and professional help to support us through this hard time and set us back on the right track. Early intervention and both partners' commitment to the process are key to change. Over 70% of couples report that their relationship improves after therapy, and 90% report improvements in communication and emotional health (Nancy Ryan, LMFT).

As a result, I am witnessing my marriage sprout new life, a deeper level of joy and contentment than before, and my children are witnessing something that I never had the chance to. What a reward it is to see my children acting out "let's be married" and "let's be a mommy and daddy" games while I sip my coffee in the mornings, and what they're acting out actually looks healthy!

Over the years to come, my marriage will continue to learn new things, grow stronger, and stumble in many ways, without a doubt. However, my mind, heart, and soul are now facing upward toward our Heavenly Father as my guide instead of inward toward my own understanding. It took surrendering all things to Him and praying for healing over wounds that I never thought would go away.

Recently, Josh and I attended a marriage conference where I took home many things to apply to myself to be a better wife. One line that keeps replaying in my head is "you have one enemy and that is not your spouse." This is something that the true enemy tries to convince us of, however, that our spouse is the one out to destroy us. We are all imperfect people; we all have work to do and improvements to make, and not a single person has it all figured out. What a clever way of sneaking in between two people and ripping apart the unity between a man and his wife. Don't buy the lie that you, your spouse, or your marriage is incapable of overcoming.

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References

Nancy Ryan, LMFT. "What Is the Success Rate of Couples Therapy?" Relationship Therapy Center, 22 Sept. 2025, www.therelationshiptherapycenter.com/what-is-the-success-rate-of-couples-therapy/.

June, Karla St. "10 Leading Causes of Divorce in the United States." 10 Leading Causes of Divorce in the United States | Barnett, clagett-law.com/blog/10-leading-causes-of-divorce-in-the-united-states/. Accessed 11 Nov. 2025.

Anthonia. "How Many Marriages End in Divorce in 2025?" Imudia Law, 7 May 2025, imudialaw.com/how-many-marriages-end-in-divorce-in-2025/#:~:text=Divorce%20Statistics%20in%2C%202025,marriages%20and%20increased%20premarital%20counselling.